What does it matter if we don't change? All my life I have set myself up for failure. Anything before a perfect score has been nothing short of failure. Even the concept of scoring below another student has been pure embarrassment.
I want to be excellent. I want to be exceptional. I want to be perfect. I wish that this wasn't the way that I function, but somehow I always find myself comparing my results to others. I can't think of a single time that I was actually proud of something that I had done. Even now, as I write this, I cling to the hope that not one imperfection or blemish will be found.
God I wish that I could talk to you without worrying that the words will not come out properly, or that I will simply be saying the same thing over and over. Though the truth is that this is the only thing I can think about when I am praying to you.
Too many times in a day am I apologizing for all my shortcomings. The times that I have ignored my creator, created false idols in my heart, denied his name, and allowed my earthly reputation to deter me from the only thing that truly matters.
I wish that more than anything that I could take back every lie that I have told. I wish that I could take back every sinful thought and deed. I wish that I could forget every wrong action, and start new. Not afraid and incapacitated because of the past.
Yet I am still held back by the question: How much will I actually lay down before the Throne of God?
You gave your Son, his perfect blameless life, surrendered on the cross for a life so ridden with mistakes that I cannot stand on my own.
Yet here I am, watching endless hours of TV and worrying about an exam. I don't believe that either of these two actions are completely sinful, but too much they serve as a distraction from my Lord and Savior.
What about my 19 years worth of vain attempts to prove myself worthy to the creator of the universe, as well as his creation.
God I feel like I am stuck behind a barrier that separates me from you. God, I am so small and weak. There is nothing that I can do that will ever prove my worth to you. Though I may never be able to hand over complete control. I have no idea where to start.
Despite my constant drive for perfection, God is continually bringing me to my knees humbling me and showing me of my need for Him. Nothing I do in this life will ever be worthy of his praise because of my constant failures and shortcomings of his perfect and holy law.
Still, whenever I call out to him he hears my voice and answers his call because of his undying love and grace for me.
Now all I can do is try my best, no matter how many times I fall short of his perfect plan. And when I fail, I must fall on my knees confessing my imperfections to the one who knows all.
Isaiah 53:5-7
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned - every one - to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheet that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
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