What is Love?

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

         --Matthew 22:37

“Well done, good and faithful servant.”

         --Matthew 25:23

Often times the word ‘love’ is thrown around. Whenever we have a strong positive reaction to something we often claim to ‘love’ the bearer of good news. Yet, how often do we completely mean the word that is flowing so easily from our lips? How many people can we say that we really, truly love?

For me, I love my parents, my sister, cousins, grandparents, maybe even a few of my closest friends; but beyond that? Even further than that, how do I know when friendship has gone beyond simplicity, and become a deep love for another. Is it when I would cry for someone when they have died? Or when I start to enjoy their presence, and seek them out?

Where does true love begin?

Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can honestly say that I love one specific person. Throughout this whole summer a prevailing theme throughout books I have read, sermons I have heard, and scripture I have dissected has been love. Not just love, but love for the creater of the universe, and the giver of life.

Since our first moments in this world we have been commanded to love our Lord and Savior. But, this is not just any love, this a deep love. To be completely in love with Him, to the point where He is the only thing that we desire and long for.

I wish I could say that in my heart of hearts, he is the only one that I long for. That every moment of everyday is consumed with a longing to be in His presence, learn more about Him, and dissect his complex nature, to be in awe of His wondrous power.

However, as the days wear on, I am troubled by the thought that this may not be my true desire. Thoughts of the creator are replaced by thoughts of TV shows, books, websites, and any other distraction that can weasel its way in. I allow hours to pass in mindless, trivial pursuits. I look not to the future, but to the present, and what I want.

Instead of falling in love with my creator, I have fallen in love with the very thing that I should be in complete opposition to, the world. I only look to God when I think about what I need. I look for my security after I have died by making sure that I am “right” with God. I don’t really care about God, but only with what He can give me.

This was a warning that I got from a book I read just a week and a half ago. It warned me not to only love God for the gifts that he gives, but to love Him.

How am I to do this?

I feel as if I have no answer to this. I don’t know how to love God. I don’t know when I have fallen in love with God. Will it be the moment where I realize that I am in complete and utter dependence on Him, and cannot survive without Him? Or is it when I cannot ever have enough time with Him?

I want to be at the point where I can say that I love the Lord, my God with all my heart, soul and mind. I want there to be no doubt in my mind that I am serving Him with my entirety, and that when I finally reach heaven he will turn to me and say “Well done, good and faithful servant”.

I want God to be proud of me in the end. I don’t want my life to be wasted. I want to live in complete devotion to Him, giving my best to bring glory to his name. But is this even possible if I don’t love him with my whole being?

I would love to say that I am from now until my last breath on earth I will give all that I have to bring the kingdom to this earth. But, in all reality, this is impossible. There will be times where I mess up and will feel completely defeated in all attempts. Probably during these times, the last thing that I will do is look back to these pages and see that there will be hardship. However, just to know that pushing through, and allowing myself to anchor my feet on solid ground once again.

Now, I need to figure out how to fall in love. To fall in love with the one who gave me my life in the first place. How to make it so that every moment in spent in complete desperation for God. Is it something that I can do? Can I make it so that I desire Him more than life itself?

God, I Pray Thee

He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.”

When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son. But the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called the name of that place, "The Lord will provide"; as it is said to this day, "On the mount of the Lord it shall be provided."

                        --Genesis 22:2, 9-14

While I was reading this I thought about how dedicated Abraham was. Here he stood before his one and only son, prepared to sacrifice him for his God; the same God that had promised this young boy to him. Yet his faith was unwavering. Abraham knew what he had to do, and throughout the completion of the task he never second-guessed his actions.

This summer I have been begging God to give me something to do, ok, well begging is kind of an over statement. I have many hopes for what I want this summer, and how I want God to work in my life, but how genuine are these desires. I call out to God to show me something to do, and apart from a one week long commitment, nothing has presented itself. I beg for God to draw me near to Him, and then run in the opposite direction. Yet, here was a man who was finally given a son, something that he had waited for for years, and now God was preparing to take it away from him.

How will I react when God finally does answer my prayers and give me something to do this summer? Will I listen and be attentive to what he has for me, or will I run in the opposite direction as I have been doing all my life.

Oh Lord, my God, root me in your word. Allow me to ground myself in you, and look only to you. Direct my eyes from the meaningless things, and allow me to pursue you in all that I do. Allow me to see that plans that you have for me. Make me willing to obey all that you have for me, and that I will not flinch in the face of mediocrity.

How will I respond when God calls out to me? Will I act as Abraham did and follow the confusing, and baffling direction of God; or will I turn my own way, the easy way.

“God I pray thee, light these idle sticks of my life and may I burn for thee. Consume my life my God for it is thine. I seek not a long life but a full one like you Lord Jesus.” ~Jim Elliot

God I pray that you would consume me from the inside out, and make me a reflection of you. Cleanse me of all unrighteousness, and make me cling to you. Allow my life, and my story be a witness, and a means for people to come to You. God I pray that you would give me opportunities to share the Gospel this summer, and I pray that when these opportunities arise, that I would be able to see them and take full advantage of them. God allow me to be a means to bring restoration to this broken world.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause.

The Gravity

“But Pharaoh’s heart was hardened, and he would not listen to them.”

                                    --Exodus 8:19

Set before Pharaoh were the ideal conditions in which to turn to the God of Israel in belief. God had put before him marvelous acts of his power, even to the extent that the magicians and sorcerers of the land could not replicate what was happening. Yet, his heart was hard to all that God was revealing to him. He pushed away all rational thinking and dug his feet into the ground of defiance.

How many times have I looked down upon the people who refuse to believe in the name of God despite having innumerable facts that prove his existence. Yet, throughout this I have ignored the words of Matthew, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (7:3).

I always claim to believe that God is capable of all things, and deep down inside I truly believe that He is. Still, there is always this nagging the back of my mind that His all powerful being must have some limitation.

While I read through the beginning chapters of Exodus, I started mindlessly reading the part where God began inflicting the plagues upon the Egyptians. Ever since I was young I have been taught this story. Numerous times teachers have gone through the ten plagues, and the hardness of Pharaoh’s heart. But now, I wonder if my heart is just as hard as Pharaoh, only in a different manner.

Instead of being blinded to the very existence of God, I am blinded to his power. Instead of seeing the strength of God through these plagues, I just see a historical event. Part of the problem lies within my knowledge of the story. I have grown up learning about Moses, and the plagues. The story is so well known to me. What about the other stories? What about God raising a valley of dry bones? What about the countless times Jesus healed the sick? Why is it that I am continually blinded to the amazing power of my God? When will I be able to understand the gravity of the situation?

O, Death Where Is Your Victory

     Last year I was given a prompt for an essay that read, “If God is a truly loving God, how can he allow pain, suffering and death”. The question was geared to get us into the mindset of being able to answer the question if we were ever asked. Throughout my Christian life I had never really considered this question. I knew that bad things happened, but for me it was just a result of sin. I never connected an all powerful, all controlling God being at the root of the issue.

     At the time of writing the essay, I went through the motions of listening to sermons, and picking through books, and Google searches for verses to prove that despite all the bad in the world, all the pain was just a part of God’s plan, and everything was still in his control. However, I could only affirm part of this claim. I wish that I had devoted more time when researching, because looking back at what I wrote, I feel that I have a deeper understanding of the question, but still this understanding has only left me more confused.

     Shortly after handing in the paper, my grandfather, who was not a believer passed away. Right after he died it really hadn’t sunk in that he was gone, and more importantly, that his eternity was going to be spent completely detached from the presence of God. While I was sitting in the church at his memorial service, the pain hit me like a ton of bricks. As we sang Christian songs, and read scripture instead of bringing me comfort, it only made his death that much harder because I knew that his death brought more pain than he would ever face on Earth.

     The only way that I know how to process what I am feeling is through listening to music, or writing. I listened to song after song to help me grapple with the emptiness that I was feeling. However, no matter where I turned, even to scripture, there was no comfort. Again, I turned to Google to shed some light. But it turned me to a verse in 1 Corinthians “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” (15:55).

     Directly after my grandfather died, I wrote this in my journal:

Yet, death still has victory over those who have not taken hold of the love of God. There is no comfort in their deaths. There is no comfort in knowing that there is no more pain or discomfort because the discomfort they experienced on this earth is only being amplified without the presence of Christ. ‘O death, where is your sting?’ The sting of death is here, the sting of death is now.

The sting of knowing that this earth only proved to be the beginning of the struggles that one must face. Knowing that the only real heaven these people will know is the happy times they had on earth. Knowing that the eternity they are facing is one that cannot even be imagined. An eternity filled with the unceasing pain and suffering.

     Life without Christ is where death holds its victory. A life filled without repentance, and acknowledgement of need of a Savior. This is where I was wrong. Sin, pain and death were never a part of God’s plan. Sin was a result of our actions against our Lord and creator.

More recently I began to think about how God could allow people to die, and why he created a world where people could choose a life without him. I remembered that in my paper I wrote how God created us to have freedom of will so that we were not just mechanical beings doing everything without thought. Instead, God wanted people who would serve him and love him because they want to.

     But still, I don’t understand why God had to create a world that allowed for sin to exist. Why did his perfect plan have to involve the fall of mankind, and the redemption lay in the slaying of a sinless man? Why couldn’t he create a population that did not desire and lust after something so wrong, and unfulfilling.

     The simple answer to the question is that there is pain because of sin, suffering because we turned our face on the Creator, and death because we did not accept His grace.

     However, God is so much more complex than that. It is not as simple as praying a prayer to relieve the pain, or begging for the burden to be lifted. Instead he requires that we put everything in our lives, all possessions and trivial accomplishments for his glory. If we are not willing to do this, our lives will be filled with pain. Not because God is not loving, but because we have disobeyed our Father. It’s the same as if a child disobeys their parents; there are consequences for their actions. But because of the root of the problem is sin; sometimes, innocent bystanders have to pay the consequences.

     God is just. Not just in the world’s perspective, but perfectly just. He does not turn a blind eye when we fall away from his commandments, but instead he holds us completely responsible for our actions. As sinful humans, perfect righteousness seems harsh.

     I may not like this, and I’m sure that before I die, I will have to face the victory and sting of death again. It won’t be easy, and I will struggle with trying to make sense of it all in my head. But until I stand before the throne of God, there are things that I will have to take by faith. This is one of those things.

Falling on my knees

     What does it matter if we don't change? All my life I have set myself up for failure. Anything before a perfect score has been nothing short of failure. Even the concept of scoring below another student has been pure embarrassment.

     I want to be excellent. I want to be exceptional. I want to be perfect. I wish that this wasn't the way that I function, but somehow I always find myself comparing my results to others. I can't think of a single time that I was actually proud of something that I had done. Even now, as I write this, I cling to the hope that not one imperfection or blemish will be found.

     God I wish that I could talk to you without worrying that the words will not come out properly, or that I will simply be saying the same thing over and over. Though the truth is that this is the only thing I can think about when I am praying to you.

     Too many times in a day am I apologizing for all my shortcomings. The times that I have ignored my creator, created false idols in my heart, denied his name, and allowed my earthly reputation to deter me from the only thing that truly matters.

     I wish that more than anything that I could take back every lie that I have told. I wish that I could take back every sinful thought and deed. I wish that I could forget every wrong action, and start new. Not afraid and incapacitated because of the past.

     Yet I am still held back by the question: How much will I actually lay down before the Throne of God?

     You gave your Son, his perfect blameless life, surrendered on the cross for a life so ridden with mistakes that I cannot stand on my own.

     Yet here I am, watching endless hours of TV and worrying about an exam. I don't believe that either of these two actions are completely sinful, but too much they serve as a distraction from my Lord and Savior.

     What about my 19 years worth of vain attempts to prove myself worthy to the creator of the universe, as well as his creation.

     God I feel like I am stuck behind a barrier that separates me from you. God, I am so small and weak. There is nothing that I can do that will ever prove my worth to you. Though I may never be able to hand over complete control. I have no idea where to start.

     Despite my constant drive for perfection, God is continually bringing me to my knees humbling me and showing me of my need for Him. Nothing I do in this life will ever be worthy of his praise because of my constant failures and shortcomings of his perfect and holy law.

     Still, whenever I call out to him he hears my voice and answers his call because of his undying love and grace for me.

     Now all I can do is try my best, no matter how many times I fall short of his perfect plan. And when I fail, I must fall on my knees confessing my imperfections to the one who knows all.

Isaiah 53:5-7
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned - every one - to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheet that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.

All is forgiven.

The dark of the night had already settled over the rocky path. A lone traveler pushed forward despite the fatigue that had become a constant companion. For years her gaze had been focused on the ground counting the stones and cracks that lined the path, trying to forget the countless mistakes she had made along the way.

Slowly the days had turned into weeks, and weeks to years. But they all had led her to this point. Still, her final destination seemed just as far as when she had begun so many years ago.

In the distance a small pinprick of light led her along the dusty trail. Ever so slowly it began to grow larger and warmer. Throughout the years, many friends came and went, distractions momentarily detoured her from her journey. But now, the end was in sight, and the goal was within arms reach.

Just 100 miles away stood a mansion covered ornately with gold decorations on top of white stone walls. Surrounding the castle on all sides was a 12-foot wall with golden gates. As she approached them, memories came flooding back.

The day when she first turned her back on the place she had called home for so many years, and where she spent hours at her father's feet listening to his calm soothing voice. The many places she had gone to fill the void of her home, hoping that she could find comfort away from her father's tight grip. But throughout the years, she could never find comfort. Instead each morning was just a painful reminder of just how far away from home she truly was.

Walking through the gates was the hardest part of her journey. All she could do was remember the bad. The times she had turned her ear from her father's teaching, and gone down a path she knew could never result in happiness.

The marble steps that led to the front door came all to quickly for her liking, and soon she was at the oak doors. She paused to catch her breath and gain the strength to knock on the door. Drying the tears from her eyes, she lifted the bronze knocker and let it bang on the door. There was no turning back now.

The moment of waiting for the door to open seemed to drag on for hours. But finally, the door opened with a low squeak.

"Daddy," she said, falling to her knees. "I'm sorry." She began, but the rest of her words became indistinguishable, covered by her sobbing.

Her father slowly dropped to His knees, wrapping his arms around his shaking daughter.

"Come in, my child. All is forgiven." He said in the same loving voice.